Friends from my life have recently reconnected with me because I have passed this milestone, and others who I have not seen for three decades are on my mind. More important is the death of Heidi, who was a couple of years younger than me. Her death did not encourage me to change myself, to safeguard my health, pursue longevity, etc.
Rather, Heidi's death just makes me cold, empty -- I cannot name it, but I feel a loss -- yet I had hardly seen her in 30+ years. If it is supposed to wake me up, what I can see is how mercenary I am. But I feel for the absence felt by her family.
What strikes me about 50 is how unworthy of it I am. Where is the wisdom, the stability, etc. of an experience-worn wanderer?
1 comment:
I too feel a great loss with Heidi's death. It is something that cannot be named...more than cold and empty, more than merely a loss. There is a vacancy in the soul left by the departure of such a person, such a life. What should I name that emptiness left by the death of the one person who knew me better than anyone else, better than even myself, who knew me before I became myself? Loneliness? I feel more than ever now, that I am truly alone in this world.
Heidi's brother passed on December 27, exactly one month later. Their 93 year old mother is, needless to say, beside herself with grief. Why should any mother be subjected to outliving three of her children?
Post a Comment